Good Afternoon In Agony (a.k.a. Palestinian Pagan Deities Deliver Pain)

So... here it goes:

Even if, even if I had bought the correct sized crank puller to help me fix the guts of Chupecabra, I would not be riding today.

Even if, even if my brother was up for a run today, instead of yapping on the phone, I would not be running today.

Even if, even if there was a million dollars awaiting me in midtown Manhattan, I would not go outside today.

Okay, that last one was a big fat lie. But seriously, my back feels like someone inserted a square metal rod with sharp edges into the center of it - turning and bending feels stiff and painful.

Being my Jesus year, I wonder if somehow the pagan deities are punishing me for slights unknown, for the death and destruction of their millions of followers. Then I remember that I'm neither Christian nor Catholic, and outside of the whole Palestinian thing, the Jews haven't been too guilty of genocide.

Therefore, it seems only logical to deduce that it's a Palestinian Pagan Deity that is the source of my pain.

In light of this, I have a new plan for appeasement. No, goddamnit, I'm not moving to Palestine to do peace work, I'm too much of a goddamn coward to go into the middle of a warzone, I leave that to braver women and men.

So whatever could my appeasement mean? Well, let me tell you about a new cherished friend in my household, someone who has until now remained nameless, yet always present, promising sweet-flavored relief and relaxation. My hookah (that's HOOKAH, not HOOKER, you bastards!). Two-hosed Iiptsos, sweet savior of rest and reprieve. Hopefully, with this honoring of my cherished friend, the Palestinian Pagan Deity will leave me be, and tomorrow I'll awakened renewed. Time will tell.

P.S. I got it on good authority that there's 5 of you now. If I could make this my sermon, that's big enough for my own religion. Don't think I'm going cult on you all, I'm just looking at tax break possibilities.